On the Injurious Effects
of Tobacco

A play in one act, by Anton Chekhov
Translation from O verde tabaka, as published in Collected Works

 

IVAN IVANOVICH NYUKHIN, the husband of his wife, who maintains a music school and a boarding school for girls.

The scene is the platform stage of a provincial club.

NYUKHIN [has long sideburns without mustache; dressed in an old, shabby frock coat; enters majestically, bows, and adjusts his waistcoat.] Dear ladies and, in one way or another, gentlemen. [Combing his sideburns.] It was proposed by my wife, that I—for the purpose of charity—give a popular lecture of some sort or other. Well, hmm? If it's to be a lecture, then let it be a lecture—it doesn't matter to me anyway. I am not a professor, of course, and I am a stranger to university degrees, but nonetheless, all the same, here am I. For already thirty years without stopping, and it's even possible to say, for the sake of injury to my own health and so on, I've been working on questions of a strictly scientific character, which I turn over in my mind and sometimes even write, can you imagine it, scientific articles; that is, not quite scientific, but which are, excuse the expression, not unlike scientific, as it were. By the way, the other day an enormous article was written by me underr the title, "On the Injurious Effects of Certain Insects." My daughters liked it very much, especially the part on bedbugs. I just read it through and tore it up. It doesn't matter, you know, whatever you may write, because you can't do without Persian powder. Bedbugs are even in our piano.... For the subject of my lecture today I have chosen, so to speak, the injurious effects which come about in humankind by the consumption of tobacco. I myself smoke, but my wife ordered me to lecture today on the injurious effects of tobacco, and consequently, what else can you say but do it. If it's to be about tobacco, then let it be about tobacco—it doesn't matter to me anyway, and as for you, dear gentlemen, I propose that you treat my present lecture with proper respect, otherwise I can't be held responsible for the way it turns out. Be there anyone here who is intimidated by the dry, scientific lecture, or who just doesn't like it, then that person need not listen and should leave at once. [Adjusts his waistcoat]. I especially ask the attention of the gentlemen present here who are doctors, who may draw from my lecture a good deal of useful information, since tobacco, apart from its injurious activities, is also utilized in medicine. Thus, for example, if a fly is placed in a snuffbox, then it will expire, in all likelihood, from nervous disorder. As tobacco is, for the most part, a plant.... When I lecture, I usually wink my right eye, but don't pay any attention to it; it comes from nervous excitement. I am a very nervous person, generally speaking, but my eye began to wink in the year eighteen hundred and eighty-nine, on the thirteenth of September, the very same day that my wife gave birth, in on way or another, to her fourth daughter, Varvara. All my daughters were born on the thirteenth. Or rather, [having glanced at his watch], in view of the shortage of time, we dare not wander away from the subject of the lecture. It should be pointed out to you, my wife maintains a music school and a private boarding school; that is, not quite a boarding school, but which is not unlike something of that sort. Confidentially speaking, my wife likes to complain about the lack of money, but she's socked away a little something, some forty or fifty thousand, and I don't have a kopek to my soul, not even part of one—well, what's the use of talking about it! In the boarding school, I am the head of the housekeeping department. I buy provisions, check up on the servants, write down expenses, bind and stitch notebooks, exterminate bedbugs, walk my wife's little dog, catch mice.... Yesterday evening my duty lay in issuing to the cook butter and flour, because pancakes were intended. Well sir, to put it in one word, today, when the pancakes had already been fried, my wife came to the cook and said that three pupils would not be eating pancakes, because they had swollen glands. In this way it turned out that we had fried several superfluous pancakes. What were we supposed to do with them? At first, my wife ordered them to be carried to the cellar, but then she thought; she thought and said: "Eat these pancakes yourself, you sloppy dummy." When she's out of sorts, that's what she calls me: sloppy dummy, or asp, or Satan. What kind of Satin am I, anyway? She is always out of sorts. And I didn't eat them, but I stuffed them down without chewing, because I am always hungry. Yesterday, for example, she didn't give me anything for dinner. "You sloppy dummy," she said, "What's the use of feeding you...." Still, however [looks at his watch] we've forgotten ourselves and have wandered somewhat away from our subject. Shall we continue. Though, of course, you'd be much more inclined now to listen to a love song, or some sort of symphony or other, or an aria.... [Sings and conducts.] "In the thick of battle we do not bat an eye...." I can't really remember where that's from.... By the way, I forgot to tell you that in the music school belonging to my wife, in addition to running the housekeeping department, my duties also include the teaching of mathematics, physics, chemistry, geography, history, solfeggio, literature, and so on. For dancing, singing, and drawing, my wife charges a special fee, though I'm also the one who teaches dancing and singing. Our music school is located in Five Dog Lane, number thirteen. That's why, in all likelihood, my life is so unfortunate, since the number of the house we live in is thirteen. And my daughters were born on the thirteenth, and in our house we have thirteen windows.... Well, what's the use of talking about it! As to negotionations, it's possible to find my wife at home anytime, and the prospectus of the school, if you like, is sold by the porter at the door at thirty kopeks a copy. [Takes several brochures out of his pocket]. And here am I, if you like, able to share. Only thirty kopeks a copy! Who'd like one? [Pause.] No one wants a copy? Well, what about twenty kopeks! [Pause.] Isn't that the limit. Yes, house number thirteen! Nothing comes through for me, I'm putting on years, becoming stupid.... Here am I giving a lecture, I look like I'm cheerful, but inside myself I'd like to cry out in full voice or fly away somewhere or other to the end of the world. And there's no one at all to complain to, I even want to start crying.... You will say: your daughters.... What daughters? I talk to them, but they only laugh.... My wife has seven daughters.... No, I'm sorry, it seems there are six.... [Quickly.] Seven! The oldest of them, Anna, is twenty-seven; the youngest, seventeen. Dear gentlemen! [Looks around.] I'm not happy, I've turned into a fool, an nonentity; but, in reality, that's as it should be, and I dar not say otherwise. If only you knew! I've lived with my wife thirty-three years, and I can say those were the best years of my life, oh, by no means the best, but in general, that is. They've flown by, to put it in one word, like one twinkling, happy moment. As a matter of fact, damn them all, damn them to hell. [Looks around.] Or rather she, of course, still hasn't arrived, she isn't here, and it's possible to say whatever I like.... I get terribly frightened…frightened when she looks at me. Well, like I was saying: my daughters have taken so long in getting married, because, in all likelihood, they are shy and because men never see them. My wife doesn't want to give parties, she never invites anyone to dinners, she is as tightfisted as they come, a bilious and pugnacious lady, and that's why no one ever stops by our place, but…I can let you in on a secret…[Walks closer to the footlights.] It's possible to see the daughters of my wife on high holidays at the home of their aunt, Natalya Semyonovna, the very same person who suffers from rheumatism and goes around in that yellow dress with black dots, just as if cockroaches were splattered all over her. Refreshment are handed out there, too. And when my wife isn't around there, then it's possible for this…[Smacks himself on the neck.] It should be pointed out to you, I get drunk on one glass, and from this comes such a good feeling in my soul, and at the same time, such sorrow that I can't possibly express; for some reason, memories of my youth come back, and for some reason, the longing to run away, oh, if you only knew, how much the longing! [Carried away.] To run away, to throw everything down, and to run without once looking back.... Where to? It doesn't matter where…if only to run away from this rotten, vulgar, cheap life, which has turned me into an old, pitiful fool, an old, pitiful idiot, to run away from this stupid, petty, malicious, malicious, malicious money-grubber, from my wife, who tortured me for thirty-three years, to run away from music, from the kitchen, from the wife's money, from all this nonsense, pettiness and vulgarity…and to stop somewhere far, far away in the field and to stand there like a tree, a post, a garden scarecrow, under the wide sky and the whole night through, watch how the silent, bright moon is hanging over you, and to forget, to forget.... Oh, how I long to remember nothing!.... How much I long to tear off this obscene old frock coat I wore thirty years ago at my wedding…[Tears off his frock coat], in which I constantly give lectures for the purposes of charity.... That's for you! [Stamps on the frock coat.] That's for you! I am old, poor, dilapidated, like this very same waistcoat with its shabby, used-up old back…[Shows the back.] I don't need anything! I'm superior to this, more clean and pure. Once upon a time I was young, intelligent, I studied at the university, I had dreams, I took for granted I was a human being.... Now I don't need anything! Nothing except peace…except peace! [Having glanced to the side, quickly puts on the frock coat.] However, my wife is standing in the wings.... She has arrived and is waiting for me there…[Looks at his watch.] Time has already passed.... If she asks, them, please, I beg you, tell her that the lecture was…that the sloppy dummy, that is, I, conducted himself with dignity. [Looks to the side, clears his throat.] She is looking here…[Having raised his voice.] Proceeding from this proposition, that tobacco contains a horrible poison, of which I have only just spoken, under no circumstances is it proper to smoke, and I permit myself, in one way or another, to hope that this my lecture, "On the Injurious Effects of Tobacco," will be of service. I have said everything. Dixi et animam levavi. [Bows and majestically leaves.]